I’m sorry

but I am extremely bitter.

Letters to her

I know what that missing feeling in my gut has been. I miss him. I feel like I lost my son it’s so hard to explain. I loved that little boy with all my heart. That hurts the most. I saw him grow from a 6 month old learning to walk, still drinking from bottles, learning to talk. I was there through a lot of it. Yes I had to take time away. I had to leave. I had to help myself, I had to get clean. his existence is a lot of the motivation I had for sobriety. I miss his smile, hearing him call me RaRa, reading to him, hugs & kisses. it’s all a memory and I’m kind of happy he won’t remember me, they say kids don’t retain memories until they’re like 5 anyway. I wouldn’t want him to miss me & thing I abandoned him because it was never my choice.I’ve never been that attached to someone else’s child. I fell in love with 2 people the minute I met her. My whole world changed. I have to let go. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I’ll never forget that laugh. ill never forget the time we spent together. How dare she question if I ever cared. I cared more about the 2 of them than I ever allowed myself to care about anyone else. It takes a lot for me to open up to people, to let people in. I gave you every bit of me. I bared my soul, my heart. I got in depth. For what? I was blamed for being a drug addict, every fucked up thing you did to me you justified because I fucked up and relapsed. You knew I was going through recovery, I wasn’t going to be cured over night. You’re such a hypocrite. I’m sober now. It takes failure to succeed. You told me you loved me but you never helped me when I had a crisis when I reached the end of my rope when I need you the most. I invested so much into you because I loved you. I wanted to help you. I would have dropped everything for you and a lot of times I did. I tried to date other girls you’d ask me not to but then go get a boyfriend. you fucked with my head. you knew how much I loved you and you took advantage of that. You never faught for me the way I faught for you. You called me your best friend but did things to me I wouldn’t even do to my worst enemy. You lead me on at one point, you knew I didn’t just fuck people to fuck them. You destroyed my heart, you crushed it into a million pieces when you fucked Ryan behind my back. I was madly in love with you and you knew that then you blamed it on me, you made me think it was my fault when in reality you should have been fuckin honest with me. You lied right to my face and never took responsibility for YOUR actions. I was wrong many times, but getting revenge by breaking my heart was something you could control. relapse is not something I could control. I am a drug addict. I have a disease. you should understand. I didn’t do it to hurt you, to spite you, what you did was directly out of spite. that’s so childish and mean. every time. you called me every terrible thing you could think of. I apologized 1000 times because I truly am sorry for my actions amd hurting you but are you sorry for what you did to me? A piece of me is dead. I’m afraid to date anyone with a kid because I can’t get attached and then be thrown away never allowed to see that child again. I may be crazy but so are you. My meds are straight I feel stronger, smarter, determined. Living on my own. I will always miss and love him. this will never get easy but I have to accept he’ll never even remember the time we spent together and sometimes that’s what hurts most of all because it’s something ill always cherish.

It’s funny you dedicated Circle the Drain to me but it looks like the tables have turned. I’m clean and you, you’re falling apart.

You are the piece of me, I wish I didn’t need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight & I don’t know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

If you won’t sing in the car with me when we drive, we can’t be friends

(Source: overdosed)

I don’t pay attention to the
world ending.
It has ended for me
many times
and began again in the morning.